I preface this blog with asking those who read to proceed with grace towards me and towards yourself. This week I feel a push from the Lord to be personal with you and share part of my story- the past and how it is now working in the present.
I came to know Jesus on an intimate level and as the Savior of my life around the age of ten. I have known and loved Him ever since- this is the foundation that my testimony is built upon.
However, my life was a facade for many years.
I spent many years playing the role I thought I was meant to play within the church building.
As soon as I entered my middle school years, I felt an unwavering pressure to be a certain type of person.
This wasn’t a holy conviction, like the one that entered my life around the age of ten, but it was a feeling of needing to look and act a certain way.
See, I had let the expectations for my actions be set by those around me- family, youth leaders, friends, and so on.
As soon as I entered the seventh grade, I was put into our youth praise band, but I was never given a foundation as to our purpose. For myself, my purpose initially started as wanting to sing, not to worship the Lord.
(However, let me note that this was ultimately God’s prevenient grace- His purpose for putting me there was not something I discovered for many years).
During these formational teenage years, I found myself living to please those who saw me on stage- not the One who mattered most.
So, I became the student that I thought I was supposed to be.
I was at every youth event. I was eager to lead in any capacity. I was even always ready to share from the Word. I was ready to be present with others (or, more honestly, be the center of attention).
Yet, through all these actions there was a disconnect.
Though I knew why I should be doing all these things, my desire still stemmed from the wrong place.
My life had become a routine of people-pleasing and trying to gain the approval of others.
This quickly affected my relationship with the Lord, as my belief of His grace changed as well.
Instead of seeing His love as something freely given, I believed I was only worthy of such love if I was present at church, serving Him in multiple capacities, and studying the Word in order for me to be able to attempt to say something wise while I led worship.
I developed a mindset that was completely opposite to the simple truth of the Gospel.
The worst part of it all was that I felt so far off, and I didn’t feel safe enough to admit where I was in my journey with Christ.
My pride would not allow it.
This went on for years, and little to no people were aware.
I can remember people saying things to me or about me (usually to my mother):
“She is so anointed.”
“The light of Christ is so evident in her life.”
“The Lord has grown her so much over the last few years!”
Whereas others saw God’s anointing, His light in me, and the growth He had been doing in my life, on the inside I felt consistent confusion.
The light that others saw in me was something I saw as dim and stagnant.
Now, I have to make you aware that my relationship with the Lord was still intact. I have always loved and will never stop loving the Lord.
But, I was not making strides to grow in Christ, only to grow in others' perception of me.
I can remember crying out to God many nights in confusion for how to become genuine in how I was in Him. I waited and waited for an answer- but how do you recognize the voice of someone you don’t spend intentional time with?
During this time of my life, the Lord revealed His calling and passion for holistic worship on my life. It was because of this calling that I more seriously recognized my need for transformation.
As the years progressed, I found ways to press into the Lord, and He continued to draw me close to Him. But, perception due to pride has always been my killer.
Every year I have grown closer to the Lord, and every year He has taught me many new things.
He has slowly corrected my behavior (especially that of pride), and He has reminded me of what it truly means to be His follower.
However, even at twenty four (a decade from where this story began), I can look and see many times where I pretended to be someone I wasn’t.
Honesty moment- it’s only been recently that I have found total freedom in being fully authentic with the Lord.
Through more consistent study, prayer, intentional times of practicing gratitude, and through musical worship, the Lord has reminded me specifically of the freedom I can find when I am fully myself with Him.
What I have been reminded of is this- Christ has been and will forever be present. I can’t scare Him away with my sin.
He already died for it.
Christ died so that I could find true and complete freedom in His love.
Therefore, since we have such a hope, we are very bold. We are not like Moses, who would put a veil over his face to prevent the Israelites from seeing the end of what was passing away. But their minds were made dull, for to this day the same veil remains when the old covenant is read. It has not been removed, because only in Christ is it taken away. Even to this day when Moses is read, a veil covers their hearts. But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.
2 Corinthians 3:12-18
Friends, let's be bold before the Lord. Let us go before Him with genuine hearts that seek His help.
The Lord knows our hearts. When we are with Him, we don’t have to pretend to be someone we aren’t.
We don’t have to cover ourselves with a veil; Christ sees us, and Christ loves us- regardless of what we’ve done, what we’re doing, or what we will do.
Where Jesus is, there is freedom also.
And when we walk in such freedom, we can walk in the transformational power of the Lord.
This isn’t an easy journey- and it’s one that I am still on.
But, it is necessary.
Diving into complete vulnerability and transparency with anyone can be terrifying.
But diving into it with the Lord is both terrifying and relieving. And here is why:
You, Lord, are forgiving and good, abounding in love to all who call you.
Psalm 86:5
What a beautiful truth to lean into, my friends.
If you have glean anything from this, please let it be the truth of God’s forgiving, good, and loving nature.
We don’t have to pretend to live a certain way, because when we rest in the freedom of Christ, He will transform us into being those types of people we pretended we already were.
It takes time, and we will never be perfect.
Let His perfect love bring out your weakness in order to continually push you towards the reflection of His glory.
We’re in this together.
Songs for reflection, prayer, & singing:
Sails - Pat Barrett, Steffany Gretzinger, Amanda Cook
How To Be Yours - Chris Renzema
You Know My Name - Tasha Cobbs Leonard, Jimi Cravity
Uncomplicated - Live - Hillsong Young & Free
As You Find Me - Live - Hillsong UNITED
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