Lately I have found myself echoing the words I screamed many times as a child: “That’s not fair”.
On Sunday, August 18, I called my mom as I normally do on my way into soundcheck for Sunday service. However, this time she didn’t answer.
Being the snoopy daughter that I am, I checked Life 360 (Y’all, I think I use it more than my parents). She had turned it off, however I still had her on “Find my Friends”. You can’t fool me, mom.
My mom was located at Huntsville Hospital, so I immediately tried to call her again. When she didn’t answer the second time, a knot quickly grew in my stomach. I knew something was wrong.
I gave my dad a call, and as soon as he answered I asked where mom was. As I had just woken him up, He replied groggily with some honesty: “She’s at the hospital with a friend.”
I had just arrived at church, so instead of digging deeper like I normally would have, I brushed it off and decided to focus on the morning ahead.
The morning went as usual, but as we sang during service, I found myself questioning the reality of what I was singing.
In the new song we had introduced, I sang “You’ve healed, and I’ve witnessed it”. And I started to ponder, “Where have I seen you heal, God?”. And it’s as if I heard from Him, “You will see”.
And I trusted.
Fast forward, our second service ends, and minutes later I look at my phone to see I missed two calls from my mom. There’s a text that reads “Please call me before you drive home”.
My stomach dropped; panic ensued.
As if I knew what was happening, I had already begun to cry before my mom answered my call.
During that call, I was informed that the night before my grandfather had suffered from what they believed at the time to be a heart attack and that he was currently sedated and on a ventilator.
This was just the beginning of a week full of whiplash in emotions.
At the start, they believed my grandpa was going to make it through just fine, but every day the doctors would slowly lose their faith.
But my mind kept going back to Sunday: “You will see”.
My friends, for the first time in my life, I felt like my faith in the power of Jesus was immovable.
Never for a second did I lose hope that the Lord was going to heal my grandfather, restore His brain, and rise Him up like nothing had even happened.
I stayed put in Indiana, as I felt the Lord confirming that this was where I needed to be.
And even as doctors, nurses, and even some family began to believe that his fight was over; I refused.
On Wednesday evening they took my grandfather off life support, and when I woke up on Thursday - He was still breathing.
I knew then God was in the middle of healing.
And He was healing… however, not in the way I had expected or hoped.
Five minutes after I texted two close friends to pray for complete healing for my grandfather, He passed.
I suppose I should’ve worded my request differently.
I sat in a weird headspace for the rest of the day. I had emotions of shock, as I was so sure that he was going to be fine. This shock was mixed with feelings of denial and sadness; I hadn’t planned a next step, as I didn’t think I would need one.
The next morning, I flew home to be with family.
You might be thinking, “Elizabeth, why are you telling me such a depressing story?”.
Well, it’s because life is full of depressing stories, and I believe there is significance in vulnerability and honesty.
For the last three weeks, I’ve sat in a space of confusion, grief, and slight frustration.
Whereas I am confident that God is full on intentionality and purpose, it doesn’t mean I always comprehend.
In fact, I rarely do, because I don’t see the full picture.
And one place I have been on a journey to see the full picture on is this: Was my faith not enough?
“Jesus said to them, “Because you have so little faith. For sure, I tell you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to over there,’ and it would move over. You will be able to do anything.”
Matthew 17:20
I believe that over the journey of my grandpa’s hospitalization, I never second-guessed that Jesus was capable of and would perform a miracle.
I thought I had faith at least the size of a mustard seed.
But as I’ve sat and pondered the multiple different outcomes that could have occurred, I am reminded of the truth of God’s Word.
“May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God. Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.”
Ephesians 3:19-20
The love of God is not something we are made to understand on earth.
The mind of God is not something we are made to understand on earth.
God sees the full picture and purpose of the days ahead.
All the times I prayed for God to heal my grandfather- God was never concerned with the level of my faith and belief in His abilities. God was concerned with His will for the situation.
Friends, our faith cannot be found in what He does, but it must be found in who He is.
It’s not the quality or quantity of our faith that matters, but the object of our faith.
The question I needed to ask myself was not “Did I not have enough faith, so Jesus didn’t heal my grandpa?”, but “Do I have enough faith to trust in God’s goodness and plan if He doesn’t?”.
Sure, I had faith in God’s capability, but I’m reminded that I must always match it with His goodness and compassion.
When we develop faith like a mustard seed, I believe it means that we have faith that God’s goodness and sovereignty will fill whatever situation we find ourselves in.
So sure, life is unfair.
Life can suck at times.
Life is filled with disappointment.
But we can’t get stuck in these places, because life is also full of so much hope.
His goodness still surrounds us daily, even if we are blind or ignorant to it.
Our faith isn’t lost when He doesn’t answer the way we believe He would.
“Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.”
James 1:2-4
Joy is found where faith abides.
As we find our faith tested, we begin to be strengthened in endurance, because we begin to recognize Jesus more and more.
And once we have full reliance on Jesus, we will indeed be complete.
For now, I still grieve.
I grieve losing someone I love.
I grieve milestone moments shared with them being lost.
I grieve the relationship he will never have with my future husband and children.
I grieve never getting to hear him laugh again.
But I celebrate that He knows Jesus.
I celebrate that He isn’t concerned with what’s going on here.
I celebrate that Jesus healed.
I celebrate that God is in control.
I celebrate a new recognition for surrender of faith.
Life may not seem fair, but one day we (those who have a relationship with Jesus) will be free from the effects of sin. And we will abide with our Father for eternity.
So don’t lose hope. Trust in the perfect character of Christ. Trust in His love for you in every season.
And move forward with a sense of purpose.
Songs for reflection, prayer, & singing:
"I've Witnessed It" - Passion
"Trust in God" - Elevation Worship
"Abandoned" - Benjamin William Hastings
"Midnight" - Leeland
"Hymn of Heaven" - Phil Wickham
"You Already Know" - JJ Heller
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